Date Zero
So I have been single for a few years. Not terribly unusual in today’s world, but for some reason I seem to attract an unusual variety of people. I’ve always thought I could get along with anyone. I obviously thought wrong. And my greatest teacher has been the dating world.
Now I am reasonably attractive, educated, well spoken, and ever so charming, not to mention funny. It may be hard to believe I don’t have a date every day. But if I’m lucky, I can get a date once every few months. And I have even resorted to questionable means to attract these elusive dates…but more on that later.
So after my husband left me, I was thrust into the dating world again. It seems that this status initiates an automatic group text to all friends and acquaintances that I am desperate and am probably willing to date their unemployed, hygienically-challenged second cousin’s friend’s brother, who is a great guy! In this vein, I got my first date after becoming single. Not knowing “Single Girl Dating Rules”, I even willing supplied my phone number via my friend for date arranging purposes.
At assigned time… well, okay 45 minutes early, because that’s how I roll… I arrived at a hotel in downtown Los Angeles with a “great bar.” After parking, I wandered the area, planning my escape routes and possible safety zones. A girl can’t be too careful. I later learned to also include the server or bartender in the escape plan. They are always willing to help out with a distraction during a chaotic getaway, which would probably include me tripping and falling over my own feet.
So, here I am at aforementioned fun, quirky hotel bar, and my date shows up. He looks different than expected because he has shaved off all his hair, but no problem. I change my hair all the time. We order drinks and have fun interesting conversation. I allow my mind to float to a happy place where I have been spared horrible dating stories, like the friend who had a guy prove how loud he could fart on a first date…at a nice restaurant… followed by maniacal laughing. I was going to be lucky and only go on dates with fun, “normal” people. Ah, my delusion was short lived.
Midway through the second drink, things start to take a weird turn. Let me recount this intriguing conversation for you.
Him: “One night I got called down to the Bay.”
Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you mean.”
Him: “I was called to the bay.”
Me: “I still don’t know what you mean.”
(Date now looking at me like I haven’t grasped basic language skills)
Him: “CALLED TO THE BAY”
Me: (of course, duh) “Which bay?” (I needed to say something else)
Him: “The Aliens called me to come see them down in Orange County.”
Me: (really confused look on my face) “Aliens?”
I was in Los Angeles. I briefly considered that he meant illegal aliens.
Him: “Yes, they had arrived in their ship to give me a message.”
Me: (They took a boat all the way here?) “Really? What did they say?” (I can’t resist)
Him: “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
Now I’m starting to get concerned because I am pretty sure he isn’t talking about earthlings here. Not that I couldn’t entertain the possibility that aliens were visiting the planet and talking with people. But my spidey senses were telling me something wasn’t quite right. My training was whispering in the back of my mind “stay calm, don’t upset him, you can still get out alive.”
Me: “Oh, what did they look like?” (You know you were wondering too)
Him: “They all look the same. They visit when they have messages or things to teach me.”
Me: “I see…”
Him: “No, I really do see. They gave me a gift when I was little, and now I can breach the time-space continuum when I look in the mirror.”
Now I’m thinking his gift isn’t working very well because apparently he doesn’t know I’m about to run away, spilling my drink in my haste. Maybe he was in the wrong continuum at the wrong time. But I still don’t want to upset him. I mean I don’t know what other powers the aliens may have bestowed on him like laser death eyes, or a belly button that shoots slime. After all, I wore a nice dress.
I somehow convince him that I am tired and need to go. Thinking I am home free, I return to my abode and send my friend a threatening text telling her she can never set me up again. But it’s not quite over. Remember my earlier faux pas of sharing my phone number. Well, alien-boy contacts me a few days later, thanking me for the evening. My engrained civility kicks in and I respond with a thank you as well. He did buy my drink. But for all I know, the aliens supply him with money too.
Three days pass and I get another similar text, which this time I decide to ignore. He can go consult the mirror on that one. But that wasn’t it. Three more days pass and he sends me another text. But this time he is breaking up with me, because “suddenly” I am too busy to text him and he doesn’t think our relationship will work if I am that selfish. I felt like I had won a little lottery…he was ending it without any additional effort on my part. No police involvement, no FBI, or psychiatrist. SCORE! I mean it was a rough relationship for me. I learned you can’t trust your friends, aliens actually do exist and only give gifts to other people (rude), and never give out your phone too early in the dating process.
In hindsight, I am not sure he wasn’t one of them, testing me to see if I am worthy for other messages. Or special mirror abilities. If they come back and give me another chance, I really hope I get a mirror ball instead.
