Friendship
This past week while I was out-of-town, I had what I would describe as the perfect date. So no dating horror story for you this time. He was a gentleman who knew how to carry on an intelligent conversation, show interest in me, tolerate my quirks, and encourage my personality; and he was a vegetarian! Plus, he was super easy on the eyes. So that didn’t hurt either. Of course, now I am flung into despair knowing such a mythical man exists. What are the chances of lightning striking twice? I’m kind of afraid to ask, because, you know, lightning.
But today, I’m going to reflect on friendship. My out-of-town trip was to visit with an old friend from LA. She was visiting Texas, so I scheduled a foray to meet up with her for coffee. We all have friends that we don’t regularly see or communicate with, but they are treasured just the same. Once in their presence, the friendship easily slips into place and you are able to enjoy the time you share. She is one of those friends.
I actually don’t have many close friends. That is, perhaps, a product of age and experiences. I am a bit unreliable as a friend if you need daily attention. As a loner, it is not my nature to want constant contact. I LOVE people and friendship and socializing – but not always. In fact, I am more sustained by deeper, real-time shared, even in small increments, than quick superficial time. So my lack of intensive effort towards friends has been viewed as indifferent or not caring. This is not true but rather one of those quirky facets to my personality. This should explain why some friends are so treasured – they understand. I also think there is a fear on my part, again related to past experiences. “Loneliness” or rather aloneness is preferred over being hurt by others. Once I let someone in, I let them in all the way, and that vulnerability has led to many heartaches, not just of the romantic kind.
So I came to know Anne via my ex. She worked with him on a day I was helping on set. And we very quickly developed a friendship. Our common painful past and heart wrenching experiences has forged a very special place in my life. I rarely see her or talk to her. But she has the gift of encouragement and warmth. Being with her warms my soul and helps it to smile. She seems to innately know what I need to help boost my spirit. Her energy is so invigorating. When we parted ways, I felt like a bit of that day’s sunshine faded. Since then, I have tried to identify what she does to brighten the day – because I want to be that for other people. I personally think it must be exhausting but she does it seemingly effortlessly. This would be an amazing gift to share.
What I have gleaned from my introspection is that she remembers details well, is empathic in understanding what I am going through, and encouraging with just the right words and actions. I may not be able to do all these things, but it gives me something to work on. I am terrible at remembering personal details. If it isn’t related to work, I figure I won’t waste my brain space on details. Heck, I still use the alphabet song to know letters relationships to other letters. But these are the things that are important to many people. So job one is to work on remembering important little details.
I am usually pretty good at empathy, to the point that, others suffering, even strangers, is very hard on me. It is easy for me to get overwhelmed when I embrace the thoughts and feelings of others. A simple sentence from someone on an experience they had can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. This is another reason I limited my contact with people. It exhausts and depresses me. But as she showed me, it can be a gift in nurturing others.
And the right words…hmmm. If someone accused me of speaking what comes to my mind, I would have to agree with him or her. Words easily flow out of my mouth, even at inopportune times. And not always the right words. Like the time I pointed out water splashed all over a doctor’s scrubs. Splashed on his crotch. Loudly pointed it out – in a room full of people. And then I proceeded to mention that now everyone was looking at his crotch. Yup, the words sometimes just don’t stop at the filter point. So perhaps it isn’t words that people need but rather “knowing”. Some people have that intuitive nature.
I’m not sure how to work on that, but it is repeatedly said that careful listening without the intent to reply or preformulating an answer is the key. With my luck I will be focusing so hard on trying to listen (despite my deafness, currently accentuated by an ear infection) that they will stop talking and I will still be carefully processing their words and staring blankly at them, leaving them feeling like I wasn’t even listening to start with. Oh boy.
On a fun note, I was staying at a reportedly haunted hotel which was brought to my attention by Anne. As we are standing in the foyer discussing this, a man draped in a sheet walks across the lobby behind us. I think our laughing drew the attention of everyone in the place. But really, the timing was perfect. And laughing with friends is the best!
I’m glad there are people like Anne in my life. The friends I do have are all precious and rare gifts. I hope everyone has special friends and can be a special friend to someone. “No friendship is an accident” O. Henry
